3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
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Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.
When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
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There was a Scotsman, an Englishman, and a sharon Stone sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the highlands of Scotland. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was as old style steam train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the soud of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tnnel, Sharon Stone and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped.
The englishman was thinking "the scotsman must have kissed sharon stone and she missed him and slapped me instead"
Sharon stone was thinking "The englishman must have tried to kiss me and actaully kissed the scotsman and got slapped for it."
The scotsman was thinking "this is grand. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that english fool again."
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A scotsman walks into a london pub and asks in his proud scots brogue for a whisky. Three english residents notice him and decide that Jocks always took the bait and were eay prey.
The first english lad sits beside the Scotsman and announces for all the pub to hear "See your St. Andrew-he was a poofter by the way!"
On hearing this the Scotsman coolly replies "Is that so-I didnae know that"
The second englishman says "see your St. Andrew, he had sex with men all for money"
The scotsman states "I didnae know that was the case"
the third english man thought his friends were approacing it all wrong, and he thought he would get the desired reaction from the Scotsman. He says "see you st. andrew- he was an englishman by the way"
To which the scotsman replied "aye...so yer mates were just telling me!"
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Wee hughie was in teh garden filling in a hole when his english neighbor peered over the fence. Intrested in what the man was up to he politely asked "what are you doing there, hughie?"
"My goldfish died" replied wee hughie tearfully without looking up "and i've just buried him."
The english neighbor was very concerned "thats an awfully big hold for a goldfish, isnt it?"
wee hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied "Thats because he's inside your ****ing cat"
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A sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned his students might be confused about jesus. So he asked them "where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said "he's in heaven"
Mary was called upon and she answered "he's in my heart"
Wee Hamish, wavinghis hand furiously, blurted out "I know! I know! e's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few long seconds. Finally he gathered his wits and asked wee hamish how he knew this.
Wee hamish said "Well, every morning, daddy gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, an yells, "Jesus Christ! are you still in there?"
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A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’scafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeksbuilt the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, ‘Well… it was the Scots thatdiscovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’
The Greek retorts, ‘Greeks gave birth to advancedmathematics.’
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinkswill end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!’
The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, that is true, but it was Scots who introduced it to women.’
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"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.
"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
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Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and he replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused (very easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
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It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a Maclean willing to try.’
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Judge - " You are charged with throwing an Englishman out of the window."
Maclean - " It was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking, sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing on the street below."
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A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find.
He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
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Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’
‘England,’ replied the Scot.
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Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’
No reply.
‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’ Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’
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Jock was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect working order.'
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It was a terrible winter — three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen. It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.
‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’
‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.
‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.
‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’
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‘I hear you’re a great believer in free speech.’
‘I am that, Angus.
‘Well, do you mind if I use your phone?’
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It was like this,’ said Donald. ‘I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’
‘What did you tell her?’
‘Try and hit something cheap!’
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A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’
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An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation! He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over
and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor."Did anyone else see my face?" asked the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking
down, tentatively raised her hand and said: "I think my husband might have caught a glimpse .…."
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An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
“Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
The American replied: “Driving.”
The farmer nodded, saying:
“Yup, definitely the quickest way”
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An American visitor to Lindores Abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”
All the other monks roared with laughter.
Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go...”
The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”
So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.
“Must have been a good joke,” he said.
“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”
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A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."
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McTavish was traveling by rail in America. He asked the railway clerk for a ticket to Springfield. " Which Springfield, mister ? " asked the clerk. " Missouri, Ohio, or Massachusetts ? "
" Which is cheapest ? "
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Sandy's wife was discussing with a neighbor the previous day's fishing experience with her husband. " I made every mistake in the book ! " she said. " I talked too much. I used the wrong bait. I talked too loud, and I reeled in too soon. And to make matters even worse... I caught more fish than he did."
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